Hey you guys, how's life?
I decided to make a blog, and here it is. Ta da.
I have a ton of feels and thoughts that I usually don't share with hardly any friends. I felt like I could write some of these out so that anyone who wants too can read about some inner feels or thoughts.
I don't really expect many of my friends to read this but this is kinda for all of you just to let you know so here we go. My brain is everywhere right now so good luck understanding this, haha.
If you know me probably you have noticed I hardly ever call you or write you or invite you to things first. It's not that I don't care. The idea of keeping up with friends stresses me out and gives me anxiety. I can be extremely hard on myself for any short-coming. If I feel like there is any reason you might be even a little disappointed in me I freak out and try to avoid my feelings of guilt and shame. I beat myself up for not being perfect or not being the friend I think you expect me to be. It is really hard for me to get past those feelings even though you probably don't think it's a big deal at all. To me it's a stupid huge deal.
When I feel like I am less then what I am expected to be, I get depressed. I find other reasons why I suck at life in my head and eventually get myself so down, I just curl into a ball on my bed and watch YouTube videos all night till I pass out. Now, I know better and I even know how to get myself out of these depressed moods, but if I am already depressed, it is extremely hard for me to get out. I feel trapped. I will find every reason to keep myself down if I am left alone to myself.
I wish I could always be spending time with friends, especially when I am down. The crazy thing is, when I get down, the first thing I do is push every one else away and isolate myself. It's pretty self destructive.
I battled addiction for most of my life, and is something I might write about later, so I've spent a lot of time analyzing myself. I know why I feel the way I do and can even track down to the very moment my anxiety started after days of depression. I am just scared to face my feelings most of the time and don't fix the problems.
Well I am really tired but there you go. Inner Christopher thoughts and feels. If you have any advice feel free to share it with me.
